Gotye – Somebody That I Used To Know

Can’t stop listening to this one:

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Some thoughts.

I’ve just had an argument with dad. A serious one. But that’s not what I wanted to talk about.
Anyway, that reminded me that in 2007 I was opening myself on the polish forum about Linkin Park. I remember talking with strangers about my problems with dad. After today’s argument I felt that need to check what I was like then.

Some of the problems stayed the same – I feel unloved, worthless, underrated, stupid (all because of my dad, my mum have never made me feel like that). Problems stayed the same but my attitude has changed. 4 years ago I was living with these feelings, I couldn’t deal with them, today I’m trying to ignore my dad, I’m telling myself he’s not right. I’m not a pro at it yet but I’m getting closer and closer. My mum’s and sis’ love is enough, even more I can ask for. What the most important thing is that I don’t think about suicide anymore.

Yes, apparently I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I’m saying apparently, because I don’t even remember it – today’s looking through my posts on forum made me aware of that. Today it seems ridiculous to me. Sometimes my life sucks (I still feel very insecure about my skills, opinions, myself everyday) but I would never end it. All in all life’s a gift, a beautiful one. C’mon, I still have so many things to do, to try. So many mistakes to make and so many conclusions to come to! So many people with worse situation to help. It’s all worth that. Now I know that.

I see what ridiculous things I have written then. I was so weak, so desperate to please dad. I’m glad to see I’m much stronger – it gives me hope to get rid of that insecurity someday. It’s a burden and I hope I’ll rebuild my confidence someday.

The other matter is, that my problems wasn’t the worst problems the world have ever seen. I don’t have to say more about it – you all exactly know what’s going on. But at the time I thought it couldn’t get worse. Luckily, I managed to change the way I was thinking. It took me some time but I can see the light.

 

I’d like to say thank you to Linkin Park. Whatever stupid this sounds like, I wrote something like this: if it wasn’t for music (especially for Linkin Park), I’d have cut myself a 100 times… not exaggerating… when I feel down, when I’m pissed off I listen to music… when I think about death I listen to LP (worth to mention – I barely understood a word in english, not mentioning about lyrics, so it was all about the music and the way they all have sounded)… and then I think I couldn’t end my life, because I wouldn’t be able to listen to them (LP), it (music) anymore, and that need of suicide goes away… damn… that’s sick.
The truth is, I was 16 when I wrote this, so it was probably a common thought then (as I said, I don’t even remember that), and I think I wasn’t ready for it yet, but it doesn’t change the fact I was thinking about it.

I’d like to say thank you to all forum members that helped and told me that suicide is a stupid idea. I have to thank my sis, for telling me to ignore him and helping me to deal with it. If it wasn’t for my sis and those members, who knows what whould it all be like?

I hope and wish that more people would see the light.

Breaking Dawn part 1

Laugh at me if you want, but I really can’t wait to finally see The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 movie.
And everything is because of my sis. She’s 27 and she’s just discovered The Twilight Saga. Some time ago she saw a half of Twilight movie on tv and she liked it. Then she have read 3 books (she’s currently reading Breaking Dawn) and she loved the story (the same as me she thinks movies are weak). She has made me think about the saga again (during last 10 days  I’ve read – in this order – Breaking Dawn, Twilight and Eclipse for the 2nd time) and here I am – can’t wait for the 1st part of the last movie.
For the record, I don’t think those books are one of the greatest books ever, the same is with movies (da! Those movies are veeeery poor. And I think someone better as an actor/actress could have been Edward – here I’d add also “better looking” – and Bella. But you already know that, don’t you?). I just think it’s good. It’s good to forget about reality and dream about the big love (it gives me hope my first love will last forever). And the way those books are written is good – it’s really easy to read. That’s all.
And even I don’t like any of the Twilight movies I’m really curious how they will show it (Breaking Dawn is my favourite book from The Twilight Saga). IMHO the trailer is very promising (I already love the score).

 

I’ve just realized I haven’t seen Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2 yet…

Skylar Grey – Invisible

 

I take these pills

To make me thin

I dye my hair

And cut my skin

I try everything

To make them see me

But all they see

Is someone that’s not me

 

Even when I’m walking on a wire

Even when I set myself on fire

Why do I always feel invisible

Invisible

Everyday I try to look my best

Even though inside I’m such a mess

Why do I always feel invisible

Invisible

 

Here inside

My quiet hell

You cannot hear

My cries for help

I try everything

To make them see me

But everyone

Sees what I can’t be

 

Sometimes, when I’m alone, I pretend that I’m a queen

Its almost believable

 

Even though I hate her for forgetting because of whom she is where she is now, I love her songs.
Btw, I don’t get her look either.

So I’m alive. There are chances I’ll start writing again on summer holidays. There is only one thing to consider – is there any point at blogging if nobody reads it? I guess not. But maybe I need to write from time to time? I dunno myself.