Some thoughts.

I’ve just had an argument with dad. A serious one. But that’s not what I wanted to talk about.
Anyway, that reminded me that in 2007 I was opening myself on the polish forum about Linkin Park. I remember talking with strangers about my problems with dad. After today’s argument I felt that need to check what I was like then.

Some of the problems stayed the same – I feel unloved, worthless, underrated, stupid (all because of my dad, my mum have never made me feel like that). Problems stayed the same but my attitude has changed. 4 years ago I was living with these feelings, I couldn’t deal with them, today I’m trying to ignore my dad, I’m telling myself he’s not right. I’m not a pro at it yet but I’m getting closer and closer. My mum’s and sis’ love is enough, even more I can ask for. What the most important thing is that I don’t think about suicide anymore.

Yes, apparently I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I’m saying apparently, because I don’t even remember it – today’s looking through my posts on forum made me aware of that. Today it seems ridiculous to me. Sometimes my life sucks (I still feel very insecure about my skills, opinions, myself everyday) but I would never end it. All in all life’s a gift, a beautiful one. C’mon, I still have so many things to do, to try. So many mistakes to make and so many conclusions to come to! So many people with worse situation to help. It’s all worth that. Now I know that.

I see what ridiculous things I have written then. I was so weak, so desperate to please dad. I’m glad to see I’m much stronger – it gives me hope to get rid of that insecurity someday. It’s a burden and I hope I’ll rebuild my confidence someday.

The other matter is, that my problems wasn’t the worst problems the world have ever seen. I don’t have to say more about it – you all exactly know what’s going on. But at the time I thought it couldn’t get worse. Luckily, I managed to change the way I was thinking. It took me some time but I can see the light.

 

I’d like to say thank you to Linkin Park. Whatever stupid this sounds like, I wrote something like this: if it wasn’t for music (especially for Linkin Park), I’d have cut myself a 100 times… not exaggerating… when I feel down, when I’m pissed off I listen to music… when I think about death I listen to LP (worth to mention – I barely understood a word in english, not mentioning about lyrics, so it was all about the music and the way they all have sounded)… and then I think I couldn’t end my life, because I wouldn’t be able to listen to them (LP), it (music) anymore, and that need of suicide goes away… damn… that’s sick.
The truth is, I was 16 when I wrote this, so it was probably a common thought then (as I said, I don’t even remember that), and I think I wasn’t ready for it yet, but it doesn’t change the fact I was thinking about it.

I’d like to say thank you to all forum members that helped and told me that suicide is a stupid idea. I have to thank my sis, for telling me to ignore him and helping me to deal with it. If it wasn’t for my sis and those members, who knows what whould it all be like?

I hope and wish that more people would see the light.

Freedom.

What a relief! End-of-term examinations are over. I passed everything on the first approach (I don’t have to retake any exams). I can finally take a breath and do nothing. Simply nothing.

I’m at home now, with my parents, and I have to say I haven’t thought I’d ever miss my hometown where I’m dependent. But I really did. You see, last 3 weeks at my flat in Cracow were the worst weeks ever. Everyone was learning so it was very quiet. The silence was killing us. From time to time one of us couldn’t take it anymore and screamed “I can’t do this anymore!” or “I’m sick of it!”. Believe me or not but we were going nuts in there. Our flat turned into a madhouse.

So I’m glad I’m out of there. Until the end of January the flat was a place of fun, independence, positive craziness but when the end-of-term examinations began this flat started to wake negative associations and it still does. I hope it’ll pass very soon. As soon as my habit of learning. You see, I got into this “hard learning” so deep I don’t know what to do now. Everything I do that is not connected to learning makes me feel bad. I feel sick.

Unfortunately, girls (my flatmates) aren’t done with their examinations yet. I feel very bad for them. They’re tired of this as I was (I didn’t even have strength to be happy outside yesterday) but there’s still long way for them to go. They have more exams than I did that less convenient scheduled. Fingers crossed!

But forget it. I’m happy I’m over it and can’t wait 25th of February ‘cause then we are going to party. The semester starts on 21.02 but I don’t care. I really need to get on the dance floor, drink a lil’bit too much and simply talk silly ‘cause I haven’t done it for more than a month. All I need to do is wait for girls. I can do it. We were at this together and we will get out of it together as well.

Now I have time to think about Linkin Park’s European summer tour. Have to think everything through and start collecting money. This summer I’m seeing them live – period. I’m only interested in Leipzig so far but I’m waiting for dates closer to Poland. Czech Republic maybe? Would be awesome!

-Parker

PS. Check out brand new album of Red – Until We Have Faces. Some songs are really good. I personally fell in love with Buried Beneath and Not Alone.

Long time no speak

Long time no speak, huh?

3rd month of my education at university has just started. During these 2 months I’ve managed to get familiar with all of this. Do I like it, not sure. I thought I’d learn something more on English. I’m on B2 level (A1

If it goes about Russian – I find it to be kinda funny. The way it sounds, the way it’s letters look like, the way it’s being stressed, it’s all funny. It was difficult at first, because I had to learn all letters and then learn to read it. It was like in the first year of primary school. But now, I think, I’m getting better and better at this. I won’t say learning this language is like a piece of cake but it’s not that hard.

I hate my neighbours.

But first things first. 2 hours ago a constable visited us (me and my flatmates) to ask if we are those young people who disturb nights in our block of flats. He got a complaint about it but the complainer hasn’t told the exact number of flat. We told him it couldn’t be us because we don’t do any parties at our flat (true – I’m not that stupid to throw a party on my flat and then pay for the possible damages) but he didn’t believe us, of course. “So who is it?” he attacked, and we said we have no idea, because we haven’t heard anything (true – walls in our tenement house are very thick), what made him more suspicious than before. He asked us which flats are rented by other students and the only one we know of are 4 girls living the next door, so we said so but we mentioned it couldn’t be them as well.

By the way, these girls have thrown a birthday party two weeks ago but they have made a notice on the elevator saying sorry for possible noises. But it was two weeks ago and we barely heard anything. I believe this disturbance took place yesterday and it had to be someone living higher.

But it’s not all, suddenly he asked us if we are registered. At first we said, we are (because our land lord said he’s going to registered only 4 of us so we thought we are registered), but then he asked about document as a proof, so we said our land lord has it. He said we should have it not our land lord and said that if we are not registered it’s offense against law. I was spooked at that moment, we all were. Fortunately, he only said we should do it and left. And I’m pretty sure he’ll be back to check it. If he won’t find guilties and I’m sure he won’t (he does not know number of flat for god’s sake! Nobody will admit to the fault!) he’ll be back soon. But this time we’ll be prepared – the fine is 500złotys what is 100złotys per person what is 1/5 of my pocket money.

Dear neighbours, if you have to complain, at least say who you are complaining for instead of making all students who rent a flat at you block of flats, being suspected! I hate when people say “Noise? Party? Something wrong? It have to be students!”. Bullshit, that’s all I have to say to you. And don’t exaggerate because we haven’t heard anything and you are already calling the Police? Wait! It looks like you haven’t even warn those party people but first thing you did was calling the Police. Ridiculous and boorish!

Speaking of parties, check Get Busy Committee’s latest video of Opening Ceremony. Give the song a chance – I didn’t like it at first but now I think it’s crazy.

Lucky 603rd picture:

PS. Have you noticed it’s snowing at the top of the page?

– паркэр (parker)