Some thoughts.

I’ve just had an argument with dad. A serious one. But that’s not what I wanted to talk about.
Anyway, that reminded me that in 2007 I was opening myself on the polish forum about Linkin Park. I remember talking with strangers about my problems with dad. After today’s argument I felt that need to check what I was like then.

Some of the problems stayed the same – I feel unloved, worthless, underrated, stupid (all because of my dad, my mum have never made me feel like that). Problems stayed the same but my attitude has changed. 4 years ago I was living with these feelings, I couldn’t deal with them, today I’m trying to ignore my dad, I’m telling myself he’s not right. I’m not a pro at it yet but I’m getting closer and closer. My mum’s and sis’ love is enough, even more I can ask for. What the most important thing is that I don’t think about suicide anymore.

Yes, apparently I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I’m saying apparently, because I don’t even remember it – today’s looking through my posts on forum made me aware of that. Today it seems ridiculous to me. Sometimes my life sucks (I still feel very insecure about my skills, opinions, myself everyday) but I would never end it. All in all life’s a gift, a beautiful one. C’mon, I still have so many things to do, to try. So many mistakes to make and so many conclusions to come to! So many people with worse situation to help. It’s all worth that. Now I know that.

I see what ridiculous things I have written then. I was so weak, so desperate to please dad. I’m glad to see I’m much stronger – it gives me hope to get rid of that insecurity someday. It’s a burden and I hope I’ll rebuild my confidence someday.

The other matter is, that my problems wasn’t the worst problems the world have ever seen. I don’t have to say more about it – you all exactly know what’s going on. But at the time I thought it couldn’t get worse. Luckily, I managed to change the way I was thinking. It took me some time but I can see the light.

 

I’d like to say thank you to Linkin Park. Whatever stupid this sounds like, I wrote something like this: if it wasn’t for music (especially for Linkin Park), I’d have cut myself a 100 times… not exaggerating… when I feel down, when I’m pissed off I listen to music… when I think about death I listen to LP (worth to mention – I barely understood a word in english, not mentioning about lyrics, so it was all about the music and the way they all have sounded)… and then I think I couldn’t end my life, because I wouldn’t be able to listen to them (LP), it (music) anymore, and that need of suicide goes away… damn… that’s sick.
The truth is, I was 16 when I wrote this, so it was probably a common thought then (as I said, I don’t even remember that), and I think I wasn’t ready for it yet, but it doesn’t change the fact I was thinking about it.

I’d like to say thank you to all forum members that helped and told me that suicide is a stupid idea. I have to thank my sis, for telling me to ignore him and helping me to deal with it. If it wasn’t for my sis and those members, who knows what whould it all be like?

I hope and wish that more people would see the light.

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Freedom.

What a relief! End-of-term examinations are over. I passed everything on the first approach (I don’t have to retake any exams). I can finally take a breath and do nothing. Simply nothing.

I’m at home now, with my parents, and I have to say I haven’t thought I’d ever miss my hometown where I’m dependent. But I really did. You see, last 3 weeks at my flat in Cracow were the worst weeks ever. Everyone was learning so it was very quiet. The silence was killing us. From time to time one of us couldn’t take it anymore and screamed “I can’t do this anymore!” or “I’m sick of it!”. Believe me or not but we were going nuts in there. Our flat turned into a madhouse.

So I’m glad I’m out of there. Until the end of January the flat was a place of fun, independence, positive craziness but when the end-of-term examinations began this flat started to wake negative associations and it still does. I hope it’ll pass very soon. As soon as my habit of learning. You see, I got into this “hard learning” so deep I don’t know what to do now. Everything I do that is not connected to learning makes me feel bad. I feel sick.

Unfortunately, girls (my flatmates) aren’t done with their examinations yet. I feel very bad for them. They’re tired of this as I was (I didn’t even have strength to be happy outside yesterday) but there’s still long way for them to go. They have more exams than I did that less convenient scheduled. Fingers crossed!

But forget it. I’m happy I’m over it and can’t wait 25th of February ‘cause then we are going to party. The semester starts on 21.02 but I don’t care. I really need to get on the dance floor, drink a lil’bit too much and simply talk silly ‘cause I haven’t done it for more than a month. All I need to do is wait for girls. I can do it. We were at this together and we will get out of it together as well.

Now I have time to think about Linkin Park’s European summer tour. Have to think everything through and start collecting money. This summer I’m seeing them live – period. I’m only interested in Leipzig so far but I’m waiting for dates closer to Poland. Czech Republic maybe? Would be awesome!

-Parker

PS. Check out brand new album of Red – Until We Have Faces. Some songs are really good. I personally fell in love with Buried Beneath and Not Alone.

iSearchiGive.com – time to do something for a charity!

It’s time for me to do something for the world. Let’s go!
Thanks to Music For Relief’s Twitter (by the way, I recommend you to follow it) I discovered iGive.com’s latest operation for charity which I am able to participate in without any effort.
You see, it’s very easy. All I needed to do was to install iGive Toolbar in my web browser and search through it. It’s easy, isn’t it?
One entry = one penny.
You can help much more – if you like shopping by the Internet use this toolbar as well because a portion of each purchase will be donated to Music For Relief for free.
I don’t like any toolbars in my web browser because I want it to look as simply as it’s possible. But this time I decided to make an exception. At least that I can do for the world.
If you want to do the same go here.
If you want to know what Music For Relief is or what the latest actions for charity are go here.

-P