I’ve just had an argument with dad. A serious one. But that’s not what I wanted to talk about.
Anyway, that reminded me that in 2007 I was opening myself on the polish forum about Linkin Park. I remember talking with strangers about my problems with dad. After today’s argument I felt that need to check what I was like then.
Some of the problems stayed the same – I feel unloved, worthless, underrated, stupid (all because of my dad, my mum have never made me feel like that). Problems stayed the same but my attitude has changed. 4 years ago I was living with these feelings, I couldn’t deal with them, today I’m trying to ignore my dad, I’m telling myself he’s not right. I’m not a pro at it yet but I’m getting closer and closer. My mum’s and sis’ love is enough, even more I can ask for. What the most important thing is that I don’t think about suicide anymore.
Yes, apparently I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I’m saying apparently, because I don’t even remember it – today’s looking through my posts on forum made me aware of that. Today it seems ridiculous to me. Sometimes my life sucks (I still feel very insecure about my skills, opinions, myself everyday) but I would never end it. All in all life’s a gift, a beautiful one. C’mon, I still have so many things to do, to try. So many mistakes to make and so many conclusions to come to! So many people with worse situation to help. It’s all worth that. Now I know that.
I see what ridiculous things I have written then. I was so weak, so desperate to please dad. I’m glad to see I’m much stronger – it gives me hope to get rid of that insecurity someday. It’s a burden and I hope I’ll rebuild my confidence someday.
The other matter is, that my problems wasn’t the worst problems the world have ever seen. I don’t have to say more about it – you all exactly know what’s going on. But at the time I thought it couldn’t get worse. Luckily, I managed to change the way I was thinking. It took me some time but I can see the light.
I’d like to say thank you to Linkin Park. Whatever stupid this sounds like, I wrote something like this: if it wasn’t for music (especially for Linkin Park), I’d have cut myself a 100 times… not exaggerating… when I feel down, when I’m pissed off I listen to music… when I think about death I listen to LP (worth to mention – I barely understood a word in english, not mentioning about lyrics, so it was all about the music and the way they all have sounded)… and then I think I couldn’t end my life, because I wouldn’t be able to listen to them (LP), it (music) anymore, and that need of suicide goes away… damn… that’s sick.
The truth is, I was 16 when I wrote this, so it was probably a common thought then (as I said, I don’t even remember that), and I think I wasn’t ready for it yet, but it doesn’t change the fact I was thinking about it.
I’d like to say thank you to all forum members that helped and told me that suicide is a stupid idea. I have to thank my sis, for telling me to ignore him and helping me to deal with it. If it wasn’t for my sis and those members, who knows what whould it all be like?
I hope and wish that more people would see the light.